inthejunk | Pipipipipipi

[That either helps or makes it worse, it's difficult to say. Either way, Yosuke is still bawling into his knees and elbows. He's already cursing himself in his head for being so weak and pathetic in front of someone he's been trying to protect and take care of.]

[But he's so damned tired.]

[Yosuke, you're such an idiot. You're still a kid, and being upset like this wasn't weak. Being tired wasn't weak.

He was even more of an idiot for thinking she needed to be protected, when she'd been trying to protect him.

...Nill knows a lot about being tired, though, and her arms tighten around him just slightly. It seemed like he'd been trying to hide a lot... so maybe this was a good thing.]

Sorry.

[It's just a whisper, and it's chased by another sob. He buries his face again and chokes pitifully. He knows this is ridiculous. He knows he's probably freaking Nill out, or at least losing and credibility he might have almost had going with her. But he just wants to crawl back into bed-or better yet under the bed-which he never even made it to the night before.]

I-I'm oka-hic-y. I'm fine. Just-just...

[SOB. Clearly, he's totally okay now. You can just leave or something. Yeah.]

[Like she'd ever do that. The thought almost makes her roll her eyes, and she shakes her head slightly.]

Don't apologize.

[It's kind of nice, actually, to be able to offer something when he was upset. Using her NV was never very good for that.]

It's alright to not be okay, Yosuke.

[He doesn't mean to tell her about it. Really, he doesn't. But it's like a big tidal wave of thought and emotion that leaps up all at once, and shoves everything else aside.]

[He's tired. Not just tired, exhausted. Working long and hard and trying to play superhero after hours-shit, he wasn't supposed to tell her that!- and he's not as good as the other guys. He keeps getting hurt. Things keep biting him or scratching him or trying to rip pieces of him off to snack on later. And it's scary. Not just scary, it's terrifying. But no one else is afraid.]

[There are bills to pay and groceries to buy and he doesn't even remember the last time he checked to make sure there were any left, let alone ate any of them. He's not even hungry-or maybe he is. It's impossible to tell. Not getting enough sleep and stressing over adult problems gives him a constant feeling like the drop of an elevator. His stomach is too uneasy for anything but toast or rice or noodles, anyway. And even that seems unappetizing most of the time.]

[Claire is gone and Clover is gone and Souji is busy and Shika is...Shika. And Uryuu is an adult, sort of, so he can't just call him up to chat, and-and he's lonely. Even with Keigo and the smelly kid around, he doesn't see people much except at work.]

[And he's always screwing up there, too! Dropping dishes and spilling things...starting an open mic night without actually asking first. The only reason he still has a job is that Rain-san is even more of a soft touch with him than Fai-sama was.]

[It's just hopeless. He's hopeless and scared and queasy and alone and he really needs his mother or at least Uryuu and that's pathetic. He's pathetic. But he can't take care of Keigo and the smelly kid! He can't even take care of himself.He still doesn't even know the smelly kid's name.]

[Oh, crap. He can't even breathe.]

[Wheeze, sob, pant pant, wheeze, hiccough...]

[This time when the deluge hits her Nill is prepared for it; and though on the outside she doesn't so much as bat an eyelash, inside she's nearly swept away by it.

She'd seen his exhaustion for weeks now, but never knew what the exact cause was - and now that she did, she felt sort of stupid or not realizing it sooner. She hadn't been the only one keeping secrets and trying to hold someone out of the line of fire... Yosuke had been doing the exact same thing to her, except he didn't know what he was doing and he was scared. She has to resist the urge to flinch at a particularly vivid image of a monster going in for the attack.

How could he possibly think this was weak? It was stressful and terrifying, especially if he had a full-time job on top of it.

Nill suspected she might need to bring him food if she wanted to make sure he was eating. Or that everyone in that apartment was eating, even if the smelly kid didn't have a name either of them knew.

...Did he really not realize that he was probably dropping things at work because he was tired? He'd get more rest if he wasn't doing dangerous things at night, but that might be hoping for too much. Nill shakes her head, and then rests her cheek against his shoulder again.]

You aren't pathetic.

[He sniffles, and chokes on another sob he's trying to hold in. It comes out strangled and harsh, even to his ears, and he swipes angrily at his face. No, she's wrong, this is pretty much the definition of pathetic. He needs to pull it together, he really does. But he can't quite manage it yet, so instead he tries to explain himself. But it all comes out as stuttering and blubbering. Even more pathetic, really.]

I-I don't know-don't know h-how to.

[You know. How to anything, really. He scrubs at his face again, furious with himself for this.]

I ju-just need prac-hic-tice I think. It's f-fine.

[And finally, firmer.]

I'm fine.

[If it went on for an extended period of time - say, days on end - then yes, Nill would think it on the pathetic side of things. But this, when he's kept it bottled up for as long as he has? This was so far from pathetic.]

You need to stop being so hard on yourself. [And then, a little more softly (strange how a voice in your head can get softer, isn't it?),] Why are you trying to grow up so fast?

I have to.

[He answers her question a little more quietly, himself. Or maybe he's countering her first statement. Even he isn't sure. All he knows is he's been grasping for life preservers for the past few months, and they keep slipping right through his hands.]

[But the bawling has settled into some sniffling and silent tears and shaky breathing. He wipes his face again and drops it back into his arms, too embarrassed to look up at her.]

Everyone else is doing it too.

[Which pretty much explains it all, doesn't it? It sums up Yosuke's reasons for most things, in fact. But this is worse, because there are plenty of kids around his age here. Most of them seem to be taking care of themselves just fine. And none of them are crying about it, either. Ugh. He's used to being a little disgraceful, but this is just straight up failure to cope.]

...Sorry. I didn't mean to worry you.

[Nill shakes her head, although it's not obvious what she shakes it to - him worrying her, or him being disgraceful, or who knows what else.]

They didn't have a choice, Yosuke.

[No one should need to grow up so young, and especially not in the way that Yosuke was trying to force himself to. It wasn't fair, and it wasn't fair of Yosuke to force that on himself.

Nill pulls back just slightly, but it's so that she can try to look at his face - which, she sees quickly, is still covered.]

But they did it!

[None of them had a choice, it was true. It wasn't fair, but everyone else just sucked it up somehow. Souji could cook and no one else came staggering home bloodied and bruised every night just trying to cover the rent. Some of them even found time for school too, though he couldn't imagine how.]

[Yosuke sighs. He can't complain to Nill anymore, either. She's had it hard, too. And she never has breakdowns in stairwells.]

[An uncomfortable looking tenant slips past them with a frown, and Yosuke sighs. He dries his face and wipes his nose and gets to his feet a little gingerly. Something caught him pretty good the other day.]

I'm making a scene, huh? I'd better stop.

They did it because there was nothing else.

[At least, she suspected that was the case. There was no use in not doing it, because then they'd have nothing. But Yosuke was still a kid, he could afford to cut himself some slack if he'd just let himself.

Hah. If only Yosuke knew. Her breakdowns, though few and far between, are so much quieter than this. People just don't notice when it happens.

But there's no way she's telling him that.

Nill narrows her eyes at the tenant when he frowns, but as Yosuke moves to stand Nill does as well, though she keeps her hands slightly extended - ready to help if need be. Yosuke, you really need to stop fighting monsters. You're going to get yourself killed.]

[Right. There's nothing else. So losing your cool about it is not only embarrassing, it's also completely pointless. Yosuke rubs his face and holds the door for Nill, but it isn't the door back into the building. It's the one that opens up to the next floor up.]

Let's just pretend this didn't happen, alright? And I'll try not to think about-

[Another rush of horrible things-crap! He reels a little himself at the rush of painful and miserable memories that flood in . But it's like holding a bucket under a waterfall. He really has been keeping a lot from her. By the time it's in there it's already been pulled out and turned over, so hopefully all Nill caught from those was the dizzying rush of bitter disappointment and sheer terror and surprisingly, adrenaline as it empties back out. He doesn't always hate fights, it seems, he gets a little rush from them, too.]

-like that.

[Sigh.]

[Nill sort of glances at the door, because she knows it isn't the right one and she's not sure if Yosuke knows that.

She doesn't ask though, because while she doesn't catch images there are still strange flashes - nothing that she can interpret but still streak across her vision like bolts of lightning. She grabs the railing, because Yosuke hides far too much and it is literally dizzying when things like that finally just pop up.

That adrenaline is worrying, though she doesn't quite know what it means. Those were a lot of different feelings to have at once.]

--It's okay.

[She glances at the railing, pulls her hand away.]

I'm used to seeing a lot of different things.

That must suck.

[He's still holding the door, and still not quite able to meet her eyes. But he's not running away, at least? And he's only panicking a bit. His pulse is racing, but on the outside, he's mostly keeping his cool.]

[She cracks a small smile at that. It's like she said, really.] I'm used to it. [So, yeah, it does kind of suck, but it's a lot easier now than it was, so she's grateful for that much.

Not running away is an excellent sign though, and since he's handling things fairly well Nill steps through the door anyway, even though she's not certain it's the right one.]

I don't need to talk like this if you don't want me to.

[Yosuke follows and leans against the wall when they climb to the next rise, rubbing his face again, even though the tears are mostly gone already. One drips silently from the tip of his nose, and he brushes it away like a bug.]

What makes you say that? ...Think that.

[He frowns, and glances up at her quickly, then back down again. He shakes his hair back into his face. It definitely needs cut, but he'll have to worry about that later.]

...Ask that?

[Nill waits patiently of course, though she does kind of peer at him to make sure he's really okay.]

I don't want to bother you.

[He'd reacted so poorly to her telling him about it, she was sure talking like this had to be at least a little bit uncomfortable for him.]

Oh...no, it isn't that.

[He continues rubbing his face.]

My head hurts, but that isn't you, you know?

Alright.

[She pauses a little, and then smiles again.]

Don't tell anyone, alright? Not many people know about it.

Are you kidding? I don't even tell people I can-

[Wait, does she know that? She does now, he supposes, as a memory of calling Jiraiya leaps to the front of his consciousness helpfully.]

[He rolls his eyes at himself, and shrugs sheepishly. This is definitely going to take some getting used to.]

I won't tell.

[Daww. That makes her giggle a little at. She doesn't seem surprised at all by the image.]

It's okay-- I know.

Thank you.

I would have kept your secret anyway. Don't worry.

[He sighs, and blows his hair out of his face with a frustrated puff of air.]

Uh, but I think I need some time to figure this out.

[He starts to hold his hand out for his keys, this time, but before he can another memory slides into the silence and fills it with the sound of Yosuke singing in the shower that morning.]

[It isn't too explicit, just a flash of thin, wet thigh and arm as he soaps up. Not like he was checking himself out, at least. But humiliating enough all the same for him to gasp out loud and grab his head, ducking his face and blushing furiously.]

[Okay, yeah. That was definitely something Nill never needed to see again. He groaned, and this time held his palm out without looking up at her. Or even letting go of his head.]

Ugh, sorry... See what I mean? I need to-sorry, but you have to go. We can talk later, alright?

I know you would have. [She mostly just wanted to make sure he knew it was a secret. Precautions and all that.

Though at this new flash, Nill goes rather red in the face herself. That was-- uh, wow. That was sort of new. It wasn't something she usually saw, that was for sure.

She fumbles with the keys for a moment before setting them in his hand.]

Alright.

[Wow, she actually can't think of anything else to say to that.]

[He gives her a halfhearted wave, with the hand the keys are in. The other one is determined to hold all his thoughts inside, apparently.]

[The sound of the keys jangling is the only noise, however. He doesn't have anything to say, either. He needs to focus on not thinking embarrassing things at you Nill, sorry about that.]

[...He'll work on it. Really.]

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reassures - 2012-05-03 09:14 (UTC) - Expand